Breathalyzer Issued With Nuke Codes

Feeling a little tipsy after  4  Inaugural Balls?   Pissed off at the First Lady for embarrassing you and cutting you off at the bar?   Busting through the doors at the Oval Office ready to lock and load nuclear launch sequence?

                 Not without a breathalyzer test first, thanks to former Prez Richard Nixon!

In the past, a military officer carrying a special briefcase (nicknamed "The Football") had to accompany the President wherever he went. The briefcase carried the secret daily codes needed to launch a nuclear attack along with a list of targets and attack scenarios.

To launch an attack, the President would need to confirm his identity using a code printed on a plastic card (nicknamed "the biscuit"), which the President was supposed to always have in his possession. With today's technology and internet availability, the "football" and the "biscuit" have become obsolete.

As a supreme show of confidence in the new White House Cybersecurity Plan and an ongoing commitment to openness and transparency, the Daily Nuclear Codes are uploaded to this White House website giving the President immediate access to these vital codes wherever he is.

Because these Top Secret codes are protected through the use of a retinal scan, they can only be accessed by President Trump. This online nuclear launch capability along with the Cyber Warfare Command and Control System give President Trump the tools he needs to keep our nation safe.

However, because of a close call by former President Richard Milhouse Nixon...a breathalyzer test will also be required.

Just after a U.S. spy plane was shot down in 1969, an angered and drunk President Nixon appears to have ordered nuclear bombers to prepare to attack targets in North Korea, but he was stopped by his ever vigilant Secretary of State.   In 1969, the only real breathalyzer available was Nixon's wife,  Pat Nixon and the subtly brilliant Secretary of State , Henry Kissinger...who slept in a cot in a closet behind the Big Red Button.

"Dick!  Dick!   Don't do it!"  Henry exclaimed,  as he emerged from the closet one day and wrassled the inebriated President to the ground. Luckily,  Richard the Milhouse passed out as White House security staff entered the room and found  Kissinger's knees pinning Nixon's elbows to the floor.

"..and that's exactly what happened,  nothing more."  explained an exhausted Hank.

 "You know how much I love Dick." 

Incidentally,   the first practical instrument for testing breath alcohol was invented in 1954,  and similar devices  have been used ever since for limiting access to the nuclear launch sequence at Kissinger's suggestion. Future Presidents consulting Jim Beam about a nuclear attack, will have to blow before pressing the Big Red Button.