Wednesday, January 25, 2017

ILLY GULLS Voting

This common sea-bird, often referred to as the "illy gull" because of it's Italian descent, now stands accused of much more than those white-splotched droppings on your new car.
 HU-U-Uge!   flocks of these birds ,  numbering in the millions are often seen loitering on vacant parking lots, landing on beaches, and hovering over garbage dumps   They have ulterior motives, ...according to now President ,  Donald J. Trump.

    "They have found a way to vote, and are influencing our election system."    says President Trump.  "I knew I would win . ...Win  the election.. and I won, we won, the American people not me...Trump added, "  but those STUPID birds kept flying around the voting booths dropping bombs on Republican voters.  That is WEAK! What a bunch of LOSERS!  We need to investigate this,  along with other types of voter fraud and intimidation by Hillary Clinton voters in this election!  Those MORONS think they actually won the popular vote!  They're not very smart.  I am pretty smart, though.   I have figured it out. They are gonna have a TOUGH  time pulling that one over on me!"
  ...     "Illy Gulls    DANGEROUS...so, so dangerous to our voting system. So dangerous.  "  he said emphatically. They are BAD...so,   so   bad for our system.  What a bunch of LIGHTWEIGHTS!  Can't have an honest election.   The stuff they did was, well,  really,  pretty AMAZING.  So, so amazing.  I mean like,   we would have won the popular vote,   if it was'nt for those millions and millions of Illy Gulls.  Really, they did a TREMENDOUS job for Hillary and Bill. TERRIFIC job . Really terrific. But they will have ZERO input next time around,  I can tell ya that.  If local voting precincts can't handle the Illy Gulls.....then I will send the FEDS in to take care of it. They think they can just fly over Great Wall of Trump,  and stay here and influence our system,  our election system?  No way!"  "Not classy.   Out of control"

And so President Trump has ordered a special investigation into the millions and millions of Illy Gulls here in the United States to determine just how much they have influenced our election system.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Breathalyzer Issued With Nuke Codes

Feeling a little tipsy after  4  Inaugural Balls?   Pissed off at the First Lady for embarrassing you and cutting you off at the bar?   Busting through the doors at the Oval Office ready to lock and load nuclear launch sequence?

                 Not without a breathalyzer test first, thanks to former Prez Richard Nixon!



In the past, a military officer carrying a special briefcase (nicknamed "The Football") had to accompany the President wherever he went. The briefcase carried the secret daily codes needed to launch a nuclear attack along with a list of targets and attack scenarios.
To launch an attack, the President would need to confirm his identity using a code printed on a plastic card (nicknamed "the biscuit"), which the President was supposed to always have in his possession. With today's technology and internet availability, the "football" and the "biscuit" have become obsolete.
As a supreme show of confidence in the new White House Cybersecurity Plan and an ongoing commitment to openness and transparency, the Daily Nuclear Codes are uploaded to this White House website giving the President immediate access to these vital codes wherever he is.
Because these Top Secret codes are protected through the use of a retinal scan, they can only be accessed by President Trump. This online nuclear launch capability along with the Cyber Warfare Command and Control System give President Trump the tools he needs to keep our nation safe.
However, because of a close call by former President Richard Milhouse Nixon...a breathalyzer test will also be required.
Just after a U.S. spy plane was shot down in 1969, an angered and drunk President Nixon appears to have ordered nuclear bombers to prepare to attack targets in North Korea, but he was stopped by his ever vigilant Secretary of State.   In 1969, the only real breathalyzer available was Nixon's wife,  Pat Nixon and the subtly brilliant Secretary of State , Henry Kissinger...who slept in a cot in a closet behind the Big Red Button.
"Dick!  Dick!   Don't do it!"  Henry exclaimed,  as he emerged from the closet one day and wrassled the inebriated President to the ground. Luckily,  Richard the Milhouse passed out as White House security staff entered the room and found  Kissinger's knees pinning Nixon's elbows to the floor.
"..and that's exactly what happened,  nothing more."  explained an exhausted Hank.
 "You know how much I love Dick." 

Incidentally,   the first practical instrument for testing breath alcohol was invented in 1954,  and similar devices  have been used ever since for limiting access to the nuclear launch sequence at Kissinger's suggestion. Future Presidents consulting Jim Beam about a nuclear attack, will have to blow before pressing the Big Red Button.




                                

Thursday, January 19, 2017

THE GREAT WALL of TRUMP : Mexico Economy COLLAPSING!


No podemos vender drogas!!

Mexico's economic main artery, often referred to as "La vena de la cocaĆ­na" ( the vein of cocaine ) has long been the lifeblood of it's cartel-economy.
Since November 8, 2016, as Donald J. Trump became PEOTUS and promises the 'GREAT WALL' ...Cartel government influencing bribes and recruitment for border-crossing mules has wained, sending the Mexican stock-market into a steady downward spiral!
 In an interview Thursday with Jorge Ramos on Fusion, former Mexican president Vicente Fox responds to Donald Trump's plan to build a wall on the U.S.-Mexican border.

"I’m not going to pay for that fucking wall! He should pay for it. He’s got the money," Fox said.

"Are you afraid that he’s going to be the next President of the United States?" Ramos asked. "What would that mean for Mexico?”

  Vicente's sniffled, and his cocaine dilated pupils shrunk  to pinpoints  as he pondered the ramifications of a Donald Trump Presidency.   " We will survive.  The Mexican people are survivors!...  ",   he said.   "...you will see! "     "You can have your f#$@ing Taco Bell ,  and we will keep the coca!  Your own  American citizens will be taking that wall down within a year! "   he exclaimed.  

    Meanwhile,  an inevitable collapse of this very fragile Mexican economy looms as  THE GREAT WALL of TRUMP  casts a shadow of  darkness over it before the wall is even built.
Drug use Graph.   U.S. # 1 supporter of Mexican Economy.